Well, ain't this a pile of shit.

So, things have taken a turn for the worse for my Nana. She initially went in because of intestinal/colon issues and was released last week. Yesterday, my mom ended up taking her back to the hospital. She was beyond weak, mentally confused and complained of burning in her stomach. They scanned her heart and her brain.. nothing. They take her blood.. dangerously low potassium levels along with some internal bleeding.

What the deuce.

She's not going to get better. I logically understand that this is life. It begins.. it ends. My heart has NO idea what to do with this. I'm mourning the loss of who she was and trying to learn who she is. I don't like it. It hurts more than I can express.

I'm trying to remember the good and funny things about her. How she can take the simplest common quote and screw it all up. ( Mija, get up early you eat the worms ) How she had a smile that would light up any room. Her eyes sparkled at the sight of her family. I remember on a trip to Marfa to visit her mother's grave, I played Long Time Gone by the Dixie Chicks and she was hootin' and hollerin' in the backseat of the car. How she used to dance with me. Taught me how to make tortillas and albondigas. She used to scratch my head and tickle my back. She powdered my booty after every shower. (she still laughs at me for that) She spoiled me. She loved me in a way that no one else could and for that, I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.

So, for now I keep going. I support and love her in the best way I can. I need to be there for my Mommy. I need to be there for me...

Sorry this post is so disjointed. I'm just so tired and sad I can't think straight..and I'm just processing...